A Thrill of Hope.

So much has happened between the two of us. So much has happened in these two years. I look back on a sky full of stars and remember all the sadness, all that has been stolen from me. I look into winter skies and remember the season that is coming. I see a star that shines into the manger that saved us all. A tiny babe, wrapped in swaddling clothes- too poor for garments, too low for blankets and royal draperies. A tiny babe, wrapped in shredded cloth, a babe with the heart of a King, who came to find me.

I look into winter skies, past years and years of stars and constellations, and I wonder what the point of it all is. Why you called me into a life that leaves eyes rimmed with so much red. Why tears have to fall again and again and again. I don’t understand why you took them. Those people I loved so much. Why did they have to go? Why so close together? Why when death walked in, did you not stop him? Why didn’t you lay your hand of protection upon them and keep them safe? And why does it feel like so much betrayal on this pre-winter night? Why does the cold seem to come from so much more than temperature? Why does this heart ache with so much hollow aching? These caverns in my heart that crumble just a little more each day.

I miss you. I miss the One I loved so much. I miss that heart that beat within me with so much passion, that laughed with You, smiled with You, found joy in You. And I don’t know how to come back. I think of that little babe, that babe that risked everything for the joy set before Him. That babe who declared with newborn wails, that I was reward enough. Oh how He loves. The Prince of Peace, who felt the same shock of isolation one cold winters night so long ago. And yet, despite all we share, I cannot provoke my heart to come back to life and love you. Life does not spark, and I wonder if I will ever find you, and that peace you offer oh so sweetly, ever again.

When will these tears stop falling? And when will this pain stop breaking me over and over and over.

I don’t know who I am anymore. And I don’t know what I’m for anymore. This hollowness eats me, and breaks me in a way I have never known. What good am I? How do I do anything? How do I live? Oh Jesus. Rescue me now, just as you did on that night so long ago. Be my Thrill, the Thrill of Hope I so desperately need. I cannot do this on my own. I cannot find this Hope you speak of on my own. I cannot turn these stone walls to flesh. I cannot shake this companion named Grief.

So instead I fall back into sheets and blankets surrounded by darkness. And I look out into the stars that hold more history than I will ever know. Stars that witnessed the greatest light. Stars that witnessed the greatest darkness. My hand closes around yours, while tears fall from red rimmed eyes.

“Be my Thrill,” I whisper. “Be my hope.”

I hear the cries of the world echo my prayer. Indeed, the weary world rejoicing. I join their chorus. And together we cry. Until darkness breaks, and we find a new and glorious morn.


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