The trouble with this disease is that it drags, it blurs.
Its raining. I spent my morning listening, refocusing, reading. Just being with Him. I forget to just be. For such a homebody like me, I am rarely home. I am instead out. Running. Doing. And then that disease starts running in stride next to me and before I know it I am caught up in the blur. I am going through the motions without really seeing anything. I am focused on nothing, I am nothing. My goal is merely to get through. Get through the moments, get through the hours, get through the days. It is all a blur. Moments blur into moments, hours into hours, days into days. I have no recollection of anything. No recognition. People have become forgotten. Life has become make shift. Another day, another dollar. Another meaningless day, another meaningless dollar. When did those leaves begin to change, when did he tell me he was in trouble, when did her heart start hurting? I am focused on nothing. I am nothing.
When I forget what matters, I lose sight of the moment. When I lose sight of the moment, I lose sight of the kingdom.
If I do not have love, I am nothing.
Days and dollars are meaningless without love. Errands are meaningless without love. Doing is meaningless without love.
Those aren’t my words, they are His. If I do not have love, I am nothing. I have become a noisy gong and clanging cymbals. I’m just noise. Noise with no impact, no motion. It profits me nothing. I gain no increase. I am just as in debt as I was before. I am nothing.
I run and blur. I do and blur. I forget and blur. And suddenly the disorganized mess catches up with me but the memories of the days and weeks past do not, they merely blur. And the faces and lives are no longer vibrant. They are merely blurred. And then I realize the very thing I came to do has not been done. I do not want memories of blurred faces, blurred hearts. I want pointed, concentrated hearts. I want to know them. I want to know faces. I want to see twitches and movements and expressions and know. I want to have love. I want to have love for the ones around. I want to be love for the ones around. I want to stop with the blurring and dragging and give more to the noticing and loving. I want to be something. I will not be background noise. I will not be a noisy gong. A useless gong. I want to be here. Present. In this moment. I want to be in the action. In the action of hearts. Three things will last forever- faith, hope, and love. – the greatest of these is love.
I want the greatest of these.
|I Corinthians 13:1-3, 13|