I can’t eat much these days without getting sick. I can’t really take in anything without getting sick. Even water poses problems. I eat, I drink, and always, there is so much pain. Sometimes it is only uncomfortable, sometimes it sends me to the floor. So I try to avoid food. I try to fast for as long as possible. I try to spend all day lying as still as possible in my bed so that I won’t use any energy, and then, I think, I won’t get hungry. But of course, hunger rises up in me and often I find myself giving into it. Eating. Doing the very thing I know will not just cause me pain, but will also deter me on this road to health. How did I come to a place where eating, the very thing the body needs, becomes a door to sickness? I don’t know. Often I can hear my heart screaming at my mind. “Don’t do it!. Stop it! It will only hurt you. Its not worth it. Just stop. Please” But the hunger is louder. And so I eat. And then,comes the pain.
And maybe this is a skewed logic. Maybe my mind is off, but I can’t help but see how much it is like my sin nature. I can’t help but think about another hunger that rises within me. How, at first, it is merely a thought. How it comes into my mind, and I fail to take it captive. In fact, I encourage it. I just think how a little food would be a good thing. And then, all the more and more I continue to think about it. And all the more and more it sounds appealing, delicious, even. I tell myself it won’t hurt that much. In fact, maybe this time it won’t hurt at all. After all, it’s not that bad. Sometimes I even try and tell myself its not a sin. Just like that food isn’t really an allergen. I try somehow to validate it. Because I know the sin isn’t just in the action, its in my heart. And my heart has already given in. So, in order to avoid the conviction I condone. Its not really that bad.. And inwardly my heart is screaming at my mind. “Don’t do it! Stop it! It will only hurt you. Its not worth it. Just stop. Please.” But the hunger is louder. And so I sin. And then comes the pain.
Pain from consequence.
Pain from conviction.
Raw, gritty, real pain. It is a different sickness, but a real one just the same.
I hate this disease. I have hated it since I was diagnosed 6 years ago. I hated it the 5 years before the diagnosis. I pray for healing everyday. And yet, I can’t help but be grateful. Because before this disease, I didn’t really get it. But with disease, I can’t help but compare it to that other disease I suffer with. The one that also infects me everyday of this life. That one I was born with, the one that comes from inherited genes of a spiritual kind. That disease called sin.
But there is beauty. Oh yes, there is beauty. Because we are not lost to our disease. Neither mental, nor emotional, nor physical, nor spiritual. There is a cure, for we have a victor. One who fights for us, and with us. One who loves us more than we will ever understand. One who goes with you to fight for you against your enemies to give you victory. One who will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it. One who has overcome the world. One who gives us armour, that we may stand! We can stand.
We can stand. Because there is victory. Because there One who died for sins once and for all, for the righteous for the unrighteous, to bring you to God. He was put to death in the body but made alive by the Spirit. This One. This One who loves you more than you will ever understand. This one who did more than you will ever understand. This One. This One Victor. Our Victor. He brings hope to the hopeless. He brings healing to the sick. He finds those who are lost. Lost to emotions, lost to mentalities, lost to hurts, lost to Him. He finds us. He finds us because He is God. He is the Mighty One. He is the One to whom all glory is due. It is He who will fight for you.
And me. And them.
So when hunger rises, whatever the type. We only need to look to Him. Our victor. Because it is He. It is He who fights.
Deauteronomy 20:4 | 1 Corinthians 10: 13 | John 16:33 | Ephesians 6:13 | I Peter 3:18