I’m really good at being in control. I’m really good at keeping my secrets secret, and my feelings from feeling. I’m excellent at holding it all in and planning out every emotion and thought. Problem is, I haven’t been called to be on guard. I haven’t been called to plan. I haven’t been called to manipulate. And I haven’t been called to lackluster emotions.
I’ve been called to an adventure, a story. An adventure I have no control over. A story I have to recognize I’m not writing.
I have tried for years to write this story. Part of the battle was who would hold the pen. I pretend as though I am fully willing and able to let go and let Him have my story, let Him lead and allow as His wisdom saw fit. But in all actuality, it is me. I am the one I want to write the story. I know my dreams, and I know what needs to happen to make those dreams a reality. It is my story. It is my story. So shouldn’t I be the one who gets to write it?
How did I get the storytelling process so mixed up? For all my years of writing, for all my years of storytelling, I had forgotten the most basic principles. Because it wasn’t my story. Its never been my story. When, ever, does the story belong to the characters? Even the main character? Its not Peter Pan’s story, its Mr. Barrie’s story. Peter never got to write the story. And neither have I.
Yet, even knowing this, I still don’t want to let go. I don’t want to risk feeling and emotion. Pain and hurt. If only He could promise He will never write anything messy. If only He could promise that the tricky won’t ever enter the story. But we know that’s not true. Because remember what we said in that post earlier.
Our story is in the hard. We think our story is where we are getting to, the happily ever after. But happily ever afters don’t come easy.
I expect an epic story, minus the hard. And when the hard comes in, I want to blame the author and take the pen. As if any author sits down to write a bad story. As if the Greatest Author has ever sat down and written a bad story. No. Instead He begins a good work. He begins a good work, and then He completes it. And He will continue to complete it, until the day we are all together. Even when time says our story should be over, it still continues. Through legacy, through memories, through all that has and should be written down. Because not even time can say when our stories are over. It is not over till He says it is over.
So here is a truth: I hate emotions. They are my biggest fear. It is much more than a slippery slope when I begin to feel. Feelings run rampant in me. My pendulum swings wide and full and I feel and I feel and I feel. The pendulum moves, tick, tick, tick, and my heart feels more, more, more. Until I am heavy with the beat of emotion. I feel wild. I feel out of control. I feel the pen move from my hand. Each tick tells me I am not writing the story. And it becomes easy to want to run. It becomes easy to want to shut myself off from others, from everything. Because feelings open a heart up. And when a heart is open anything can happen. Anything. Like joy, and happiness and laughter and pain. Pain. Oh pain. Feelings can open a heart wide open to pain. To disappointment. To rejection. To lost hope. And so I run. Wild through forest and field, accepting stupid dangers because they are less hurtful than those of the heart.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.
In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your paths.
When paths are scary. When paths take me to places I have no desire to go. When paths bring heart hurts and soul cries. In all my ways I will acknowledge Him. When emotions slide in and refuse to slide out. When the pendulum ticks. Harder and harder and harder. In all my ways I will acknowledge Him. When I feel wild. When I feel out of control. When all I want is the pen to be in my hand. In all my ways I will acknowledge Him. When I am confronted with joy and happiness and laughter and pain. When pain stomps in like the boogie man.
In all my ways.
In all my ways.
In all my ways I will acknowledge Him! Him, The Great Author, The One who keeps me on straight paths. In all my ways, I will continue to hand over the pen. Over and over, I have reached for it. Over and over, I will reach for it. But over and over I will surrender it back to Him. Surrender back to The One to whom it belongs.
In all my ways I will acknowledge Him.
Philippians 1:6 | Proverbs 3:5