I walked in the rain today. Tiny drops misting so discretely you had to squint to see them. Round and round and round the block, I walked in those drops until they grew, competing with the drops from my eyes to see which could drop fuller, harder. This pain is turning into a recurring event. More often than naught it comes, and more often than naught I find myself asking God why. Why this pain? Why now? Why so intense? What did I do wrong? What should I be doing differently? What can I do to make my body cooperate? What can I do to make this pain stop?
If a body gets sick with the flu we blame the virus. There’s nothing to be done but endure it. But with this disease I feel the pressure. People want a solution and so they ask what could be done differently. They ask, I ask, what I did to aggravate it. What did I eat? What stress did I allow? What activities did I participate in? What activities should I have participated in? Any way I look it’s my fault for the over eating, over working, over stressing, over living.
And I don’t know, but can it just be due to a fickle disease that can be no more predicted than a madman’s games? I feel like David. On the run, living in caves, hiding in caves, trying to keep away from the jealous king who wants only to toy with him before he destroys him completely.
And like David I cry out on the regular to God. I cry out to the Lord with my voice, in this pain, this frustration. Crying out loud. For crying out loud. And I wonder, does He still see me? Does He see this? And so the thoughts go, as I walk in that cold rain, round and round and round the block. I walk and I cry. I think and I cry. And I pour out my complaint before Him. I declare before Him my trouble. The pain in my body. The pain in my heart. The uncertainty of my body. The uncertainty of my heart. I declare before Him my trouble. Until a new song begins playing in my ear.
I can’t take my eyes off of you…
Is it the song or it is Him? Is He speaking through the song? Or am I just hoping to hear something to comfort this crumbling heart of mine?
I can’t take my eyes off of you…
Is it true? Can You see me? Do You see me? I am reminded of another song. This one much older. Full of truths that have stood the tests of time.
Then turn your eyes upon Jesus. Look full in that wonderful face…
And surely as I hear it I know. The old hymn cajoles truth for truth. Turn your eyes upon Jesus, for His have never left you. O Lord, you have seen my affliction. He sees me. He never stops seeing me. He never stops watching. You are the God who sees me. You are El Roi. The God who sees. Even in the rain, on a block that seems forgotten, you see. In the darkness of pain, you see. If I say, “Surely the darkness shall fall on me,” even the night shall be light about me. Indeed the darkness shall not hide from You,But the night shines as the day; The darkness and the light are both alike to You.
The truth of it all is that I can’t see. I can’t. I want to. I want to so badly. I want to see what is coming. Why what has come has come. I want to see purpose and truth, and light. I want to see relief. I want to see happy days. I want to see. But I don’t get to right now. And I may never get to. Not this side of heaven. But He does. He never stops seeing me. So I turn my eyes upon Jesus. For His have never left me.
| Genesis 16: 13| Psalm 139: 11-12|Psalm 142: 1-2|