When It Gets Dark

After the Pause

I should have written. I tried. I promise I did. But every time I put pen to paper the words just wouldn’t flow. Thoughts refused to organize. Instead they all just slurred together until all I was left with were big messy clumps of anger and I wanted no part of the anger. All I wanted was to get as far away from it as I could. And as much and as often as I tried to scrape it off of me I could never get close enough to make it all be gone.

It was a new thing for me- being angry with God. I’ve been frustrated, I’ve been confused, I’ve been sad, and I’ve been hurt. But i’ve never been angry. not like this. Not with an emotion that rose up, so swollen inside of me that it could only release through hot tears and hot words. I’ve never been so clouded in anger that all I could make sense of was what I’ve felt. I learned the lesson long ago that feelings are not always truth. But the angrier I got the more I  heard myself say “I know you said…. but I don’t feel it. In fact it feels quite the opposite.” And that lesson, that is another post for another time. For now I just want to talk about this anger. And I’m warning you that I am treading new waters. My hope is not that you will take this for truth but that you will see this as just a girl thinking through thoughts and maybe exploring a new topic with you. A girl trying to get back into the waters. A girl trying to write again.

I don’t know if I was right in my anger. Or rather, I don’t know if it is wrong to be angry with God. I have talked to many people about the topic with many different opinions. John Piper says on his website it is wrong. And I can see why. Because with anger comes things like mistrust, tempers, and telling God what is right-something we with myopic sight and human thoughts have no right to do-especially when dealing with God’s thoughts. But then I come to the fact that even in my anger I tried and tried to defuse it but to no avail. I could not with any control of my own make it go away. And then on a non specific day thinking about how hard it was to make the anger flee, I realized that He  did it again. In His wisdom he took evil and used it for good. My anger, my mistrust, my doubting, He used for good. Because whether Anger is something we can control or not, it is quite prevalent among the human heart. And it is real. It is as painful as any physical wound I’ve suffered through. And prior to being angry I didn’t get it. I was blind to that pain. That pain I watched so many walk through. I had no clue. No understanding of how to respond, what words to give them. And I may not have the right words now, but at least I I have words. I have words that get the pain. Words that remember the feeling. And I still don’t get entirely where it came from or how to get rid of it. In fact because of this anger I have more questions than I have answers. But that doesn’t mean I don’t have answers. and so questions may abound confusion may linger but for now i’m thankful for what I do have.

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