I don’t know how many of you out there who read this blog are writers. At times, it is a strange thing, writing to an unknown audience. But for those of you who don’t know, most often when I write, it flows out of me. It is a simple, fluid movement. Words piece together as if their marriage was always intended. Ideas and metaphors float together until sentences become paragraphs, paragraphs become chapters, and chapters become whole stories. I love the writing process for this reason. I love how a thought can overcome my whole heart, and before I do anything else, I must write.
But today is a different story. Today I feel compelled, challenged to write, only it is the last thing I want to do. But for sake of vulnerability (which is a whole other post) I am going to write. Because as much as I wish this blog could be on past hardships and happy new goings on, my life is not there, and I will not be fake. Not for your sake, not for mine, and not for His.
This past weekend was a hard weekend. Friday night I got very sick. It was one of the worst episodes in my whole history of this disease. And now, all these symptoms that I dreaded back in the fall are back. And I am sad. That’s all I can say, I am just so very sad. Because so much of me thought that I was finally finding an answer. So much of me thought that I was finally on the road to health. I thought that maybe I would have a different route in 2014. And I have found myself saying over and over how I thought I would finally have a productive life.
I have always had a heart for missions. When I was a teenager I spent many summers on mission trips in Mexico. I spent summers in college working as a camp counselor for elementary aged kids in Wisconsin. And if I hadn’t of gotten sick, I would have continued spending my summers as well as other times of the years out in missions, in ministry. Reaching people is my biggest passion. And so when I get these horrible flares, and I am confined to my bed, there is more sorrow in my heart than just having to deal with physical pain. Because going through flare ups of sickness, for me is a reminder that I will never be able to do the things I have always wanted to do. I will never get out there and be with those people I love, I will never get to tell them how much they are loved by the One who they don’t even know matters most to them. And this is honestly one of the greatest griefs of my heart.
And in this moment, as I write this, again He whispers to me, “Tell me what you know.”
And I can’t say I know much. But I do know this. I know that while it doesn’t seem like a productive life to me, that I can be confident that it is. I can be confident that He who began a good work in me will carry it on to completion. And I know that this happening isn’t keeping me from Him. I know that neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate me from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. And I know that He has plans for me. Plans to prosper and not to harm me. And I know that He loves me with an everlasting love. And I know that what others may intend for evil, God meant for good, in order to bring it about as it is this day. And I know that He made me alive, this girl who was dead in trespasses and sins, sins that I once walked in according to the course of this world. And I know this, I know that when I am scared, when I feel confused, when the only thing I can feel is pain and frustration and sadness and maybe even anger that it is not the end. My sentence does not stop there. It will go on to paragraphs and then chapters and then stories. And I may stay sick. And circumstances may continue to circle around me like birds of prey. And pain may come and pain may go. Life may get hectic and stressful. People may not understand. I may go to bed more than I go out. Hearts may hurt, sin may rouse, and life may be overwhelmed.
But God. Two of my favorite words ever married together. But God, who is rich in mercy, because of His great love with which He loved us. He loved me. He loved you. But God, even when we were dead, made us alive and raised us up together to sit in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, that in the ages to come He might show us the exceeding riches of His grace in His kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. But God.
I may not see the productive life I’ve wanted, But God does. I may feel overwhelmed But God does not. I may not understand, But God does. And because He does, words will form sentences, sentences will form paragraphs, and paragraphs will form stories.
Philipians 1:6, Romans 8: 39, Jeremiah 29:11, Jeremiah 31:3, Genesis 50:20, Ephesians 2:1, Ephesians 2: 4-5