Healing From the Inside Out, life making

The It Factor

Have you not known? Have you not heard? The everlasting God, the Lord, the Creator of the ends of the earth, neither faints nor is weary. His understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the weak, And to those who have no might He increases strength. Even the youths shall faint and be weary, and the young men shall utterly fall, but those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up on wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint.

Isaiah 40:28-31, NKJV

It would be really easy for me to get angry right now. Its 1:52 am and I should be asleep. But my body won’t rest. It won’t sleep. It won’t even calm down so I can feel ok. And so instead I lie in bed and I wait for something to happen. Maybe then all this emotion that has been storing up inside my heart will leak out, drizzle down and go into some other corner. I don’t want it in any corners of my heart, I just want it out of me. I don’t want the sick. I don’t want the emotion that comes with being sick. I want none of it.

The worn out fatigue…the frustration …the exhaustion…the irritability…the disappointment…

I just want to be healthy. I watch students walk on campus every day. I watch as the thing that comes so difficult to me, comes so easily to them. No big deal. In fact, I bet the majority of them don’t even think about what they are doing. For them, it isn’t a chore. It’s just a method.

I envy them. I wish so bad I could be that person. That person who can just do it. Whatever “it” is.  Don’t we all? Don’t we all wish we could be like them?  That we could have this one thing like him?  That our lives could be different like her?  Don’t we all struggle with the It factor?

For me, my It Factor is a healthy life. And I just don’t understand. Why can’t I seem to get to a place of healthy? I keep wanting to tell God that I’ve learned the lesson. I see how it applies to more than just the current physical that we walk in. I’ve learned the spiritual, gained the wisdom, got the picture. So God, now it’s time, let this be the time I can be healthy. Let this be the time I’m finally on my game with life. Come on God, what is this waiting game for health? For life?

But those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength.

Those who wait…

But what is wait? This simple word becomes a bottomless mystery in my heart. How am I supposed to wait? What is wait? I want so much for this word to be active, not passive. I can’t handle passive. Because passive implies I do nothing, and I want in every way to do something. I want to do something because I want change. I can’t handle things staying the same, or so I think. Because sameness is stagnant. Sameness is unrelenting. Sameness is long. Sameness is boring. Sameness is uninspiring.So what is wait?  Because if waiting means I can move about tables, delivering orders and taking dirty things away then sure, sign me up, because I can control that. But if waiting means sitting back, with my hands in my lap, still, and at the mercy of God, well then, I don’t know if I want that. Because I have learned to be a master manipulator, and when I manipulate I can at least fool myself into thinking I am in control.

But I’m not in control. And try as I might, I will faint. And try as I might I will get weary. And thank God for that, because if I was actually able to maintain some sense of strength, well that manipulation factor would rise up once more and manipulate me into thinking I could actually do this life without Him, the everlasting God, the LORD, the creator of the ends of the earth.

So maybe I won’t be the next hero. Maybe a triathlon isn’t for me. But renewed strength, that is for me. And wings like eagles, He wrote that for me. For you. Because His understanding is unsearchable. And while we don’t understand the sameness, the being stuck where we are, the lack of apparent growth when we are trying so hard, He does. His understanding is unsearchable. So stop searching. And just let Him renew you.

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