Holy Moments, life making

Musings of a Doubter

I never would have thought it. After all I’m just a girl. A girl, who’s always seemed to be messed up in life. I consider myself as a life liver, but that doesn’t mean I consider myself good at it. Life is messy, and I don’t just step into the mess, I seem to wallow in it, just like the pigs, it sinking good and deep into my pores, as I struggle to find a way out of it.

And so the very fact that somehow He would take my mess and redeem it on this side of heaven leaves me dumbfounded.

I used to believe that the idea of being satisfied, that is filled to the full, completely and irrevocably whole in God was something impossible. The idea that we could get everything we ever wanted in God, when we were still so involved and active in the physical world, was a myth that hyper-spiritual and out-of-their-mind Christians said to other not-so-spiritual Christians as a way of looking good. So three years ago when I began a journey towards a life entwined with the One my soul was supposed to love, I thought that maybe I was on a journey for which I would be forever, and deeply disappointed in.

It is hard sometimes to see the mess of our lives and see God working through it. How many are holding tight thumbed to that verse, that one verse from Psalms, that verse that gives them their glimpse of hope, delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. Oh how many times I tried to fool myself with that verse. As if I was really going to manipulate the One who manipulated my being together. I would read and re-read scripture, convincing myself that I’d much rather be here, in my room, reading the Word than out with friends.

“See God, see how much I love you, how happy you make me, now can I have…”

But then, we can’t make the promise appear. Life is messy, trials get worse, the nights grow darker, tears turn to sobs, and the music of our heart begins to drift into questions. Why can’t I get past this? Why won’t you bless me? Why won’t you help me? What did I do wrong? Why am I the one to get jipped while the rest of them flourish?

I didn’t understand then, what the purpose of experience is. At the time I saw life as a unit of measure. The better my life, the more I was loved by God. After all, He blesses those who walk in His ways, right? So if He really loved me, my life would be perfect. I mean, maybe not completely perfect, not all at the same time, because even Jesus didn’t have a place to lay His head, but we’d have almost everything, right? If God really loved me, wouldn’t He help those things work out, rather than leaving me in the struggle?

I just couldn’t see the bigger picture. Not then. Sometimes still. But then there are nights like tonight, when God, in His big heart, opens my eyes, for a brief moment and transfigures my thoughts to expose His glory, and I see. I see truth. I see Him. And I see how those experiences were never a measure of where I was or where I wasn’t. No. Those experiences were holy, other worldly usings of God. These experiences I walked through with dread. Those experiences I cried and fought and trudged my way through, that was so much more than just a shaper of my character. It was redemption in action. He wasn’t just giving me an experience, He was giving me …experience. He was giving me the gift of practice.

Here’s my bottom line. Life, experience, trials, situations, the good and the bad. Those things that we can only experience on this side of heaven, they are for us and they are for others. Those things that come, will bring us to a moment of absolute satisfaction. One day we will wake up, and realize that without us noticing, our cap came off, and we had been filled to the full. And then we will be able to pour. We will pour out and into others, and you and I will be amazed at how they come. Because they will come. And they will match our past situations, and they will match our past fears, and they will match our past selves. And it not for naught.  Because God in His glory, did not just transfigure your thoughts, He transfigures you. And you and I will see, that experience brought us to this place of wholeness.

I just never would have thought it.

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