But Jesus answered them, saying, “The hour has come that the Son of Man should be glorified. 24 Most assuredly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the ground and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it produces much grain. 25 He who loves his life will lose it, and he who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life. 26 If anyone serves Me, let him follow Me; and where I am, there My servant will be also. If anyone serves Me, him My Father will honor.
John 12: 23-26
I went back to campus today. My feet stepping tentatively on concrete, steps that once before seemed more like quick sand. Funny, how something you’ve done your whole, entire life can hold so much more power and reverence when you’ve recognized the difference without. As I walked past that Stadium where so many pour energies into, I remembered how much energy I poured into this place. I remembered how many times it was in vain, as my body failed, and my spirit gave up. I was just too weak. Too tired to keep fighting. I tried so hard. I put in tears and nights in the word, and prayers, and everything I had and knew to give, and yet it was too hard.
And I thought today, as I walked, how strange it is that the exact same action can be so difficult or so easy. Because it is not the action we are fighting, but the cause behind it.
I didn’t give up, but try as I had, I couldn’t keep myself in school last semester. And as much as I wanted to set my mind to it, I wasn’t going to keep my grades up, or stay in school, and keep working, and get healthy.
This is a hard post to write because I want to say that human will is stronger than any other thing, but once again it is a lie that secular philosophy has promised us to be true. Human will may be strong, but just like every other thing God created, what use is it if it is not broken? Have you ever thought about how much of the usefulness in God’s creation revolves around brokenness? Everything man makes is useless once it is broken. Cars are totaled, shattered glass thrown away. But with the creations of God, they cannot be used until they are broken. Tree’s become wood and paper, Animals cut up for meat, seeds die in order that they may find life.
I didn’t want to give in. In fact, somehow I told myself that if I let go of school, I was letting Him down. I thought that I had to just fight through it. Just get through it. It wouldn’t be easy, but I would get through it. It may have been painful, but aren’t we supposed to suffer for Him? This, I thought, was my trial, my test. And if I gave up and let go of school and let go of work, and didn’t do everything perfect, then I wasn’t passing the test.
But the reason we are broken, is because when we are fighting through with ourselves in mind, and we are trying to evoke perfection, we aren’t reflecting anything, we are absorbing. We were made to be mirrors. Mirrors reflect light. They don’t absorb it. Its not my image, or my glory that I am projecting. And that’s why, hard as it may be, God prefers us broken.
When you look at a garden, in all its flourish and life and vitality, you don’t say your congratulations to one seed, or even a plant. Instead, its due to the gardener. For He is the one who toils and tends, waters and weeds the garden into life abundant. The fruit that comes came because of His faithfulness. Without it, the seed would only have dried up and hidden underground.
I was just a seed. You are just a seed. A seed that has been planted, but even planted we are nothing without our gardener. And it is not until He waters us, and tends us, and weeds us that we begin to break. But when we break, it is life that springs forth. Green, fresh, sun hungry life.
Let yourself break.
Let Him break you.
Fall into the ground, and bring forth much fruit.