There is a fear that is stalking me. It has been following me on this journey since October. But time has been my comforter and I have always had it there to remind me that there was still opportunity for things to happen and answers to be revealed. I had a plan. I would give myself three months to heal, and then I would go back to school.
I spoke with various mentors to make sure my plan was solid. I prayed before making a move. And I waited to make sure I wasn’t acting out of impulse. And then I did it. In order to keep what little health I had, and possibly allow myself improvement, I quit my job and withdrew from school. It was done as a means of saving my GPA. It was done because I was plumb out of energy and life. It was done out of desperation to find any way of making all the pain and sickness stop.
The resting, along with a new diet change and hopefully a new lifestyle change, has helped. But it hasn’t helped the worry. This anxiety has been following me like a trail of smoke follows its fire. And in my mind the fear prowls. What will become of me in one month? What path will I take? Will I be forced to take something because no desired options have come to fruition? Will I be able to care for myself? Will my definition and God’s definition of care match up? As these questions stalk and hound me, a new fear has come alongside. I am afraid that, while I may finally stop this chronic disease attacking my body, I will never fight to stop the chronic disease of worry that attacks my heart. I know this is a make or break moment in my life. If I cannot keep this heart disorder from overwhelming every aspect of my soul, I will never live a life of courage and peace required of me by my God. I will never let go of the things of this world in order to step forward into a life driven by the desire to further His kingdom.
And so, because worry is trying desperately to consume my life, I am beginning a month long series of posts regarding it. And I believe it is applicable to the Christmas season. Because Christmas, as it should, builds anticipation in the human heart. It is not the most magical time of the year because of the lights and gifts which we accumulate. Nor because of the celebrations and unions with family. It is magical because it stirs faith and hope within each soul, as we are reminded that there is more to our desires than what is found in the natural. The magic of Christmas steers us towards the supernatural, the things not found in us alone: love, joy, peace, patience, tenderness, meekness, gentility. These are the things the Christmas movies are about. These are the things we make room for in our heart. These are the things we want to experience in the season. If it wasn’t true, then the story of a grumpy, green Grinch wouldn’t have quite as strong a moral as it does. But these stories of Grinches, Scrooges, and George Baileys have nestled into the heart of the season because the characters find more than a happy ending. They find the truth our soul longs for.
Do you hear the stirrings in your soul?
And so, as an act of worship to the God Babe who came to deliver man from his bondage of fear and worry and replace it with hope and joy, I offer you a month of worry. So that we can learn to cast off our fears, and look to our faith.